We Don’t Believe Your Lies
We’ve all seen your lies… and we don’t believe them:
- Retiring to spend more time with the family … means … Someone blackmailed you into resignation.
- “I did NOT have sexual relations with ‘that’ woman” … means … “I DID have sexual relations with ‘that’ woman”.
- “I am NOT a crook” … means … “I am most definitely a crook”.
- I’ll call you … means … Don’t call me.
- Leave it with me … means … Go away so I can forget about it.
- We’ll sort something out … means … Hopefully, we’ll never speak again.
- I acted only within the law … means … I knew it was morally wrong, but it was technically legal, so screw you.
- I thought building my second home was a legitimate expense … means … It was at the time, but the media shows me now that it isn’t.
- The cheque is in the mail … means … We’re trying to get the money together, but you’re pretty low on the list.
- Our community-enrichment programme is setting new standards of corporate responsibility … means … twice a year we force all our underlings to pay some of their wages to charity / maintain an allotment / volunteer in an ‘urban’ area.
- Our green operations policy puts us ahead of all our competition … means … We pollute just as much as our competitors, but we lease some rainforest in paraguay to ‘offset’ our emissions.
- I regret the situation and will institute appropriate processes to ensure such issues don’t occur in future … means … I’m sorry I got caught, and will make sure I am not caught again.
- We believe in a healthy work-life balance … means … “90% Work + 10% Sleep” and we’re working on the sleep part now.
- We need to tweak our unsustainable business model … means … Our overlords demand we squeeze our supply line for more money so they can buy more $10,000,000 New York apartments.
Next time you begin to lie… remember that people have heard ALL the lies before. Give it up and tell the truth, and you’ll be appreciated all the more for it.
